Toilet Boll Strikes Back

Hack extraordinaire Uwe Boll, who was referred to as Toilet Boll by some comedic genius somewhere on the Internet, is back. And if things go the way they usually do, the audience will not be.

Toilet Boll is a German "director" who has perpetrated so many crimes against cinema that he should be banned from getting near a movie set until his death. In fact, I remember signing an online petition to pretty much that effect. Boll's movies are so, so atrociously bad that he is being called the new Ed Wood. You know those movies that are so bad they are good? Uwe Boll's movies are so bad they stay bad: that's how bad they are. But don't take my word for it: let's give his directing career an overview: House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, and now In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. If it looks like all he does is videogame movies, you are correct. If it looks like he gives videogame movies a bad name, he does.

I must confess that, out of all of the above, I have only seen BloodRayne, but I was scarred for life. That movie was so vile, so awfully horrible, so cataclysmically horrendous, that I will never go see another movie committed by the German hack. And again, don't just take my word for it. Let's see what some of the sages at Rotten Tomatoes had to say about these movies:

House of the Dead
This movie scored a craptastic 4%. Let me say that again: a four percent. These are a few excerpts from the different reviews:

"Dead is so artistically and creatively bankrupt that it boggles the mind just how a miserable little picture like this could sneak into theaters and enjoy a theatrical run." (Source)

"House Of The Dead is laugh-out-loud funny. I should add, however, that it is not a comedy." (Source)

"If you want to see what a cinematic piece of dog barf looks like, go see House of the Dead, otherwise do yourself a favour and play the video game, it’s far more entertaining." (Source)

Alone in the Dark
This movie set what has to be an all-time record with a 1%. I really need to repeat that: a ONE percent. Out of 114 reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, only one says it’s fresh, while the other 113 discerning individuals claim it’s rotten. I remember the first AITD videogame, and I remember considering going to see the movie (this was before I knew who Toilet Boll was). Then I read the reviews and decided to give it a wide berth. Some of my favorite reviews:

"Frighteningly bad cinema is the only thing scary about Alone in the Dark, which gives video-game movies an even worse name, if that's possible." (Source)

"Saying Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV." (Source)

"This is jaw-dropping, awe-inspiring, 'I-can't- believe-someone- made-this-crap' badness we're dealing with." (Source)

"If someone recommends you see Alone in the Dark, assume that person hates you or at least dislikes you." (Source)

"The three stars have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn." (Source)

BloodRayne
This horrendous movie scored another 4%, and, incredibly, there’s a couple of sequels in the works. Some reviews:

"I’m not sure what Boll sees when he looks through the director’s lens while filming each of his pictures, but I’m certain it’s something different than what the rest of us see. BloodRayne poses no threat to his reputation." (Source)

"Who is Uwe Boll and why does he hate moviegoers so? The German hack, the one-man Blitzkrieg of Bad, is the worst filmmaker in the movies today." (Source)

"What was the point of any of it? Only 'Dr. Boll' seems to know. On second thought, based on the evidence in front of the camera, maybe he doesn't." (Source)

"It's as if Boll brought together the best team of talent he could possibly secure on short notice and then told them all to suck. And they do!" (Source)

In the Name of the King
This one opened last Friday, and it is what triggered this post. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a 5% (I guess Boll is getting better). Some words on the film:

"Is it any surprise that this film wasn't screened for any critic, anywhere in the free world? But even I was unprepared for the level of suckage this movie produced." (Source)

"I would like to think that Uwe Boll is not a mentally-challenged individual. However, the incompetence of his movies speaks otherwise." (Source)

"This is a different kind of bad than, say, the glossy, homogenous, boring Hollywood bad we get from a Michael Bay. This is an impassioned, feverish bad, the kind that is as pure of heart as it is innocent of style. Ed Wood bad." (Source)

Anyway: you’ve been warned. Toilet Boll is back. Let’s see if the box office for this atrocity is as bad as his previous directorial efforts. (Dungeon Siege has made three million on opening weekend, and I don't think it'll make much more.) And one still wonders how he gets actors such as Ray Liotta or Ben Kingsley to agree to be in his trainwrecks. How does he do it? And how does he keep getting money to make more awful movies that nobody likes and that tank at the box office? It boggles the mind.