Gmep: El interrogatorio

El gran momento en pantalla de hoy es una escena hilarante dentro de una película hilarante de principio a fin.

La película de los hermanos Farrelly There's Something About Mary, estrenada en 1998, cuenta la historia de Ted Stroehmann (Ben Stiller), quien decide viajar hasta Miami para conquistar a la chica de sus sueños, Mary Jensen (Cameron Diaz), a quien no ve desde el instituto. Por el camino recoge a un autoestopista (Harland Williams) que lleva consigo un bulto de enormes dimensiones. Tras parar en un área de sevicio y verse envuelto sin querer con un grupo de hombres que la utilizaban como lugar para encuentros sexuales, Ted es detenido por la policía sin saber que el autoestopista huyó del lugar dejando su sospechosa bolsa en su coche.

GMEP: The Cat's Meow

El gran momento en pantalla de hoy (con esa cara lo digo, sí señor, como si no hubieran pasado ya seis años desde que publiqué el último de ellos) nos lleva atrás en el tiempo a junio de 2011, cuando Morgan Freeman recibió más que merecidamente el Life Achievement award entregado por el American Film Institute como reconocimiento a toda su carrera.

En una ceremonia distendida, el mítico actor nacido en Memphis, que en aquel momento acababa de cumplir 74 años (y que hoy ya ha llegado felizmente a los 80) fue homenajeado por sus amigos y colegas de profesión. Si queréis ver el propio arranque de la gala, y para mí el mejor momento televisado de la noche... dadle al play. Las risas están aseguradas.

Pues llorar, cojones

Una de las ventajas que tiene haber tenido el móvil apagado durante un mes (lo que tardaron en llegarme las partes y herramientas necesarias para poder cambiarle la pantalla, que la tenía reventada), es que de repente uno parece tener más tiempo libre. Todos esos ratos sueltos que solía llenar con rápidas miradas a mi feed de WhatsApp, o con sospechosas consultas a la Wikipedia, se convierten en largos momentos que pueden ser llenados sin necesidad de agachar la cabeza sobre una minúscula pantalla. Uno puede perder la mirada hacia el horizonte, simplemente pararse a pensar o, incluso, coger un libro y leer unas decenas de páginas.

En esa situación me encontré precisamente hace unos días en casa de mis padres, cuando me di cuenta de que, tras una sabrosa comida en el jardín, y con los niños entretenidos jugando en la piscina, todo el mundo a mi alrededor estaba dándole a la pantalla táctil. Como no podía hacer lo propio, me levanté y me puse a revolver por entre las estanterías de mis padres, a ver qué libros interesantes tenían al alcance de la mano. Libros de cocina... meh, no ahora mismo. Madame Bovary... eeexcesivo.

En ésas estaba cuando me encontré con un libro pequeño, con fuente grande y repleto de ilustraciones y de humor. Trae para acá. Sin dudarlo un instante me lo llevé de vuelta a mi silla y me puse a leerlo con calma, sabiendo que no me iba a importar parar y dejarlo en cualquier momento. Solo que ese momento no llegó, y un buen rato después me encontré con que me había leído del tirón sus escasas ciento cincuenta páginas de extensión.

La vida según San Francisco, publicado en 2002 por Santillana, es una colección de los monólogos de humor interpretados por Enrique San Francisco en el programa El club de la comedia desde su estreno en 1999. Recuerdo haber visto a San Francisco interpretar alguno de los monólogos que, inteligentemente editados, aparecen en este libro. Y, como no podía ser de otro modo, no hay color. Que nadie me entienda mal, la versión escrita no deja de ser graciosa, e hilarante en ocasiones. Pero no es lo mismo leerla que escuchar el ritmo de la voz de San Francisco y la intención que pone tras cada palabra. Si no fuera por el vaso de cerveza del que se acompaña siempre, diría que el humor de San Francisco es el paradigma del humor seco.

(Gracias, gracias. No olviden darle propina a las camareras.)

En resúmen, si queréis reir durante un buen rato y no podéis acercaros a vuestro teatro, bar o sala en la que programen monólogos, y además se os ha caído Youtube, leed este libro. Le doy tres hilarantes estrellas sobre cinco.

Let Me Tell You of the Days of High Adventure

 

Me encanta Conan. No el Bárbaro, claro. Estoy hablando del otro Conan: el humorista, presentador de late-night talk shows, y ex-escritor en shows tan míticos como Los Simpson o Saturday Night Live. Es curioso, porque, pese a su polivalencia (o quizá gracias a), no creo que sea el indiscutible número uno en ninguno de esos campos. No está desde luego a la altura de un Jerry Seinfeld o un Louis C.K. haciendo stand-up comedy (bueno, ¿y quién lo está?), ni, al menos para mi gusto, tampoco arrebata a David Letterman la medalla como mejor presentador de late nights. Pero está claro que el hombre sabe lo que se hace, como lo demuestra el hilarante video de hoy: Conan O'Brien visita Lucasfilms. Si pestañeais os lo vais a perder.

Laugh Your Cares Away

More than a year has gone by since the Lost finale. You know the one. That which left a lot of people pretty satisfied on regarding the fulfilling of their characters' journies, and a hell lot more people really pissed off. Quite comprehensibly, I must say. For six years, they bought their tickets, if not only, at least mainly because of the mysteries the show offered us. Because of the promise of resolution to all the questions. They wanted answers, not metaphors. Were you one of those?

I don't think you (nor anybody else) are going to get much in the answering department anymore, so breathe, relax, and just take a look at this clip that Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse showed at this year's San Diego Comic Con. You'll manage to laugh your anger off. At least for a moment.

Han cazado a un wampa

Es impresionate el desprecio del ser humano por la naturaleza: cazan todo tipo de animales aunque estén en peligro de extinción, y sólo para poder decorar su salón o dormitorio.

El noble Wampa que habita las llanuras heladas de Hoth debería ser protegido de la caza indiscriminada, o por lo menos poner un precio más elevado que éste para sus alfombras.

Espero que os guste.

Missing Jaw

My girlfriend and I went to the World's Longest Yard Sale a couple of weeks ago, and this is one of the treasures we found. She spotted it first, and couldn't help but taking a picture of this creepy puppet. Had it not cost $60, we would have bought it to display it at our place, but the price being what it was, it would have been too expensive a joke. At least she got a picture, so we will be able to remember it forever. Enjoy!

Strike!

As those of you who have gone bowling with me know, I can't bowl to save my life, and that's why this video is so funny. Last week, I went bowling with my girlfriend and a few friends, and one of them, Brock, brought his camera with him. Apparently, my bowling moves were rather peculiar, and so Brock thought it'd be funny to shoot a video of me trying to knock down a few pins. Always a good sport when it comes to make fun of myself, I stepped to the camera and saluted... and then this happened. Isn't it hilarious? Enjoy!

And You Speak English?

I was in Valencia, Spain, for three weeks, and in my time there I managed to collect several typos and mistakes I thought would make for entertaining entries for the blog. They are all in Spanish, except for this one, which is in English. As you can see, it is a McDonald's ad, and while there's nothing wrong with the Spanish version, the English text stopped me in my tracks. "Near of you"? What does that mean? Obviously, they mean "Near you," but it seems whoever was entrusted with translating the Spanish ad to English either has no clue, or used an online translator (which would mean he has indeed no clue). At any rate, this sad attempt at appealing to the English-speaking community (or simply tourists) in Valencia elicited some laughs and managed to be noticed, so I guess that, in a sense, the ad did was it was supposed to do: grab my attention to the point of making me forget about everything else around me. And still, I won't be going to McDonald's any time soon.

Toothy Endowment

I've been walking past this place for about three weeks now, and it cracks me up every time I see it. Of course, nobody here in Spain would think anything of the name of this I am sure very nice clothing store, but can you imagine a business thus named in the United States? The thought makes me giggle like an immature school boy, and I hope it will amuse you too.

That's Just Naughty

The fourth and last entry (so far) in our Inappropriate Carvings series, this scene blew my mind, destroyed my brain, fried my synapses, and, in one word, left my jaw unhinged in disbelief. I mean, look at what that demon is doing with the bellows! Why is he tormenting the monkey? And even more important, why is the old woman helping him? What did the monkey do to them? I really want to know what incident triggered this horrible act of retaliation. I am sure there is a riveting narrative that culminates in this moment, and I want to know what it is. Maybe I should write my own story, and perhaps illustrate it. Now there's a thought...

Nursing the Reptile

The third entry in our Inappropriate Carvings series is so wrong I think it trumps the first two installments. Why on Earth would you let a dragon get that close to you? And also, what is the dragon thinking? Doesn't he know he is not a mammal and therefore does not need to be fed that way? Or, what was the artist thinking when he carved this particular scene? I wonder how many people who visit this monument actually notice these figures. I had been here at least once before, and I never had, so this discovery made me giddy with elation. Yet the best one is still to come!

She's Collecting What?

The second entry in our Inappropriate Carvings series stars a woman who, for some reason, decided to collect whatever is about to come out of these guys' sphincters. To that effect, she went and got a couple of bowls to catch the bowels' excretions. It makes you wonder what the guy who carved this scene was thinking about!

Cute Birdie

Welcome to the first entry (of four) in our Inappropriate Carvings series! As some of you know, I spent a week in Valencia, Spain, visiting with friends and family. I also toured the city with my girlfriend and went to see many buildings and other attractions, where we were surprised and delighted by a million different details. Some of those great discoveries were the carvings in La Lonja de la seda, aka the Silk Palace, a place where the silk traders used to gather to conduct their business back in the fifteenth and the sixteenth centuries. The building is impressive, and it is decorated with carvings everywhere. Said carvings tend to be of the floral type, with leaves, flowers, vegetation, and that kind of thing. However, every now and then, you can see humans, animals, gargoyles, dragons, and monsters. Plus, if you pay close attention, you can find unexpected gems like the one that accompanies these lines. I mean, look at it and tell me that's not wrong! The funny thing is that, as I was pointing it out to my girlfriend and "drawing" the lines in the air so that she could make it out, some other tourists saw me doing it and started laughing and taking pictures of the carving. And it is worth photographing, that's for sure!

Analogous

I recently got one of those funny emails people forward more often than they should. This one, however, was comedic gold, and I thought I'd share it with you. Enjoy!

"Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM, at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was

actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up."

Horrible Box Art

Want to laugh and cringe for a while? The check out this list of the worst videogame box art ever, and think about why somebody who wants to sell these games would allow such awesomely horrendous covers to be released. I wish they had included more than just this handful, because I found the article supremely entertaining. Enjoy!

Final alternativo de Crepúsculo

¿Qué se puede decir de esta imagen? Pues que mejoraría notablemente la saga de Crepúsculo y alegraría a un montón de gente que no traga a estos vampiros descafeinados.

The Lesbionic Woman

Want to see Olivia Munn's antics as an unlikely (but very hot) cybernetic heroine? Then check out The Lesbionic Woman, a very silly, very short video starring the Attack of the Show hostess that obviously spoofs a certain TV show. Call me crazy, but I think this would actually improve the original premise. Enjoy!

Pokerface

Do you know Lady GaGa's hit song Pokerface? Have you ever found yourself wondering how it could be improved? Well, wonder no more, my dear friends, because I have the elusive answer you've spent countless nights looking for. The perfect way to improve this pop concoction would be… to have Christopher Walken recite it on TV. You're welcome.

PS: For a mash-up of both Lady GaGa and Christopher Walken performing the song, make sure you watch this hilarious video.

A Break From Work

What do stormtroopers do on their free time? If it was up to George Lucas, it would be something tedious that would bore you out of your mind. Thankfully, these pictures were not dreamed by the visionary from Modesto. Check them out and be ready to laugh until you cry.