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Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Analogous

I recently got one of those funny emails people forward more often than they should. This one, however, was comedic gold, and I thought I'd share it with you. Enjoy!

"Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.


2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.


3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.


4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.


5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.


6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.


7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.


8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.


9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.


10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.


11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.


12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.


13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.


14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 PM. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 PM, at a speed of 35 mph.


15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.


16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.


17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.


18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.


19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.


20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.


21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.


22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was

actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.


23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.


24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.


25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up."

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Debe ser el primer mensaje de esos forwardeados que veo que merece realmente la pena. Hay algunas colosales, como la 6, que me parece una analogía genial a su propio modo. Casi me meo encima con cada una de las citas, pero destacaré algunas sobre las demás como las número 8, 9, 11, 12, 16, 20, 22, 23 y 25.

Impagable esta lista, como algo que quieres pero sabes que no te puedes permitir porque sabes que no tienes dinero para pagarlo pero aún así te lo llevas a la fuerza porque te apetece tanto tenerlo.

Nash said...

Pido la versión doblada al castellano o con subtitulos para tambien poder reirme en vez de pasarme un buen rato intentando traducir las cosas :-(

Mario Alba said...

Ya me imaginaba que te harían gracia, Hal. A tus favoritas debo añadir 4, 5 y 15. Priceless!

alberto said...

El número 5 es la bomba. Y el del lame duck también es muy bueno.

Aviso a navegantes (osea, halagan). Llego a Valladolid el día once a las 3 menos cinco de la tarde.

Anonymous said...

Roger that.

Que alguien me explique la analogía número 4, por favor, que no la termino de entender.

Mario Alba said...

La frase "to grow on somebody" significa "acabar gustándole cierta persona", pero en esta analogía se utiliza el doble sentido de "crecer en algo". Por tanto, al decir que con el tiempo acabó gustándole la chica la está comparando con una colonia de bacterias que creció en un trozo de carne que dejó fuera de la nevera. Obviamente, no tiene tanta gracia una vez se explica, pero bueno.

Anonymous said...

Ah, vale. Jeje. Es que no sabía qué era eso de E. Coli. Vagancia la mía, que no me he molestado ni en googlearlo.

Mario Alba said...

Aclarado queda, pues ;)